Lucky One

I wish you could see that I am not fifteen
I am not damaged or a victim of my pasted
I am yards away from where I began
I wish I could take back the last 4015 days
I wish I could erase all of the pain but the past is ingrained in my veins

I never complained when you dominated my words or through me into the dirt
I continued to hide my hurt
I let you convert my pain into your version of events
Whilst I disconnection and turned into an introvert
I lived my life in alert whilst you were able to revert back to your old life
without even thinking twice
You got to see the city lights and reach new heights
Whilst I desperately trying to live my life

However, you forget that you managed to get away
You were able to dictate your own fate
You were able to recreate and negotiate your way through the storm
When all I wanted was you to love me more
Instead, you joined in with the brutal approach to my illness which pushed us further apart
I never wanted any of this from the start
Still, you cannot see how far I have come

I know you are part of the story but it didn’t happen to you
You were able to break free and live
You settled yourself in fake memories to eradicate me from everything you see
Even though, I know you have witnessed my despair
I know you care but I don’t live back there
I have forgiven other people’s mistakes and angry ways
But, you continue to recreate my past mistakes

I have hidden my hurt and pain
I am patiently waited for the acid rain to purify my soul and then I will be whole and worthy of your love
Not just when it is socially acceptable to you
In a way, you were the lucky one, who managed to get away

However, I still count those 4015 days
I mentally retrace my steps
So, that I can find a way to be happy and heal from every hurtful action, every unloving word, every moment you could do no wrong whilst I struggled along
I still stayed strong but all I wanted was to belong.

© Rosie Burnham

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About Rosie Burnham

Twitter: @Rosie_Burnham Blog: rosieburnham.com Huffingpost Blog: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/rosie-burnham Very Loose Women (ResonanceFM): http://bit.ly/2l02xw3 Women's Health Magazine (Strong Minds Issue): https://www.pressreader.com/uk/womens-health-uk/20171201/282948155497339