Once there was a young, joyful, fearless girl that loved life and embraced every opportunity but that was nearly eleven years ago. I feel like the days past I will never find my younger self again. It has got lost in the trauma and the pain which seems to be more present every single day.
Six weeks before I could stand tall and face the world. I could look people in the eye even if I were crying inside. I had broken down walls which were holding me, prisoner. I packed my bags nervous, but I honestly believed that recovery was possible and not in the too distant future. My heavy heart was ready to accept the past and allow all of my thoughts to flow, without overloading my fragile mind. At first, people supported this fight and ensured that I made it through the long and sometimes lonely nights. I thought they were by my side.
Sadly, I was wrong. They used the people closest to me to manoeuvre and action their plans with a disregard for the care plans, put in place so that this would not unfold. There was not a crisis, no reasons for their actions but they were able to subtract another space on the waiting list. Forgetting the contract, they agreed and took two years to create. Now they are willing to let all of their false promises fall through the seams and their unwillingness to talk, to resolve what problems they believe are boundaries for me to continue treatment. But, it is meet with a wall of silence and two weeks on it is looking more unlikely that these issues can be resolved.
Underneath all of the darkness and close doors. I have to believe there can be a resolution and a positive outcome that can enable me to continue my long and challenging recovery. I am realistic that there are no more treatment options at present for me. I have exhausted every therapeutic resource available for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. For me, hospital environments are unproductive and incredibly triggering because of negative experiences. This was a crucial decision why this particular treatment place was selected because it was not a hospital. I could be independent such as cooking and shopping for myself without the reliance on others, allowing me to find my ‘new normal’ without a thousand voices or opinions to sculpt my life or my movements.
A key frustration for me is that underneath the trauma, I am a twenty-four-year-old woman that can make decisions and have an active voice in my future and treatment but once again people deliberate go behind my back. The boundaries are continually moving, and it is becoming more challenging to find steady ground. I feel that the honest is floating around and is filled with empty sounds, broken promises and dreams that right now feel unreachable.
As my world disintegrates around me, I am struggling with the unfairness of the situation and the position that I now in. The past two weeks have honest broken my family. I personal feel I have been ostracised and on several occasions, my extended family have shown little love and understanding for my current situation by believing other versions of the events rather than asking me directly.
There has been so much positive work to end mental health stigma in the UK, but sadly over the last two weeks, I have experienced the more stigma from relatives than ever before. Some may say that it is a generation issue or a lack of understanding. I honestly felt that from the video I did with an amazing charity called Women Speak Out. From the video, I honestly believed that my extended family heard my story, in my words and the struggles I have faced. I thought they understood and realised that it was not a choice having PTSD.
Why would anyone want to live like this?
Why would you choose trauma over living life?
Why would you want flashbacks that bruise your body and terrify your mind?
Why would you choose to lose friends and freedom for a secure hospital unit?
Why would you want this rather than enjoying and experiencing life?
If I could go back, I would. If I could, I would change the last ten years in a breath. I have to live with the daily realisation of the abuse, the injustices of the legal system and the lack of trauma specialist care available in the NHS and the private sector.
This is my reality, my life and I know one day it will be different. I will recovery and I will be happy however long it takes.
Here is the link to my Women Speak Out video: https://womenspeakout.wrc.org.uk/rosie/