As the years, drift by the question why? continued to circulate in my mind all the time. Days, weeks, months spent in a hospital with the white walls, white floor and a blue mattress which was the only colour in my life. The days spent looking at the ceiling wishing to see stars. Instead, my hospital room was my life.
I was allowed no personal belongs, no toiletries, no clothes, everything I had been kept in a drawer locked away. I was an empty shell wishing I could camouflage myself into the white walls; they had more emotions than I had. Constantly been given medication to help my flashbacks but they made me hallucinate back into the past, intoxicating my brain in chaos. I felt I had lost. Lost myself in the trauma, lost my identity, lost in a system, where I moved place to place, with no say. I was lost in the past . My attackers had won…. or so I thought.
I spend days writing this letter to my attackers in my head, but it never had a logic order, I thought they would come out of the page and hurt me once, that was when my brain was damaged and broken. I now feel brave enough, to face my demons. I can’t get justice through the criminal justice system, but I can use my voice to make a change. I am not afraid of you anymore.
To my attackers, you have not broken me, and I am strong, and I am happy. Over year ten years ago, you subjected my younger self to extremely brutality which was planned and ripped any dignity and youthfulness out of my body, into an atmosphere of tears. You used me for your personal gains, and you felt untouchable. I honestly don’t know how you function in general life, how you able to have relationships or in the future have a family. I used to look in the mirror and not recognise myself because I thought I was the unclean, damaged, broken individual that could not be fixed, but you are the people who are unwell, not me. I still get flashbacks of those nights and physical movements in my body, but I know now that they are memories that cannot hurt me. You cannot hurt me anymore. I am stronger than before. I know that was your aim to break me, there have been many moments of desperation and hopelessness. Now, I am unbroken. You wanted to kill me, I wish you had when you were hurting me, I would dislocation into the world where there was no pain, and I was not subjected to your sick games, but I am alive, living my life. You cannot hurt me anymore. I am free from your grasp, your control.
I never thought I would be in a place to write an honest letter to the attackers. I always hoped I would get to a place where the abuse and rape didn’t define or affect me to a level where I was unable to engage in the world around. This day has come where I have finally let go of the past. I am not a victim. I am a survivor.