It has been over a year since I began my blog. There has been incredible highs and soul-destroying lows. But, with each blow I have come back stronger and my drive to live life has returned. There have been days where honestly I through I had damaged my body too much that it would give in at any minute. This thought terrified me to my core.
One day, last week I sat in the middle of a field with the sun shining on my face and my loyal dog by my side. I realised for me to recovery, ‘I had to recovery for myself’. Not for my family or friends but for me.
The last eight months have been challenging. Feeling as though I am somewhere in between, the past and present. The past, the trauma wouldn’t stay at bay. It just kept hitting me each time. I constantly questioned: ‘When would this end?’
Everything in my life had become so intertwined and so destructive. I keep feeling powerless to make a change, to find my voice and this was the reason I started to blog in the first place. Unfortunately, this didn’t relay back into my life at home, relationship with the NHS continued to break down and an investigation which showed us so many close doors. Honestly, there was too much happening and I couldn’t communicate my fears and my wishes. I felt completely broken.
This blog came my solace, my voice in the poems when I felt nobody was listening. It has become my therapy.
Honestly, my first blog: ‘Somewhere in Between’ was published out of frustration, angry with the decision by the police. I wanted justice. I wanted to close this chapter of my life.
As the anger dispersed, I discovered hidden emotions and memories which I had never talked about. With my parents support and patience I have been able to let go of these issues. I have built new friendships which gave me the belief to continue to reach for my dreams, however impossible they sound to others and detached myself from negative people in my life. This is the reason why when people contact them behind my back, I get so upset. I am trying to keep positive people around me and this destroys the foundation I have created.
This may sound abnormal to others but what people forget is that I am 23 years old. I have a mind and when the trauma isn’t present, people don’t see my demons. Many people have said that it is a ‘disorder’ causing my need to control ascepts of my life but I strongly disagree.
When you are raped and continuously attack by people at school, you lose your identity, your purpose and your belonging. Especially, at the beginning of your teenage life, when you brain is evolving and you are learning the emotional coping skills. My life was so disrputed at this time, I was unable to build relationships and learn to communicate. So the cycle of destruction started ….
1. I realised that I deserved a good life
2. I can achieve my dreams with hard work and determination. Anything is possible.
3. Instead of hurting my body, I need to treat it better
4. I have a voice which has never complete gone away. I just need to use it for good.
5. ‘They can’t hurt me anymore’. I never thought I would say this.
6. I have accepted that the past will always be part of me but I can control how much impact it has over me.
7. By tackling my anxiety, head on. My fears diminish.
8. I am only human. I will make mistakes. I will disagree with others. I am not perfect and that is ok.
9. I will have bad days, but there will be more good days than bad. I have to believe that things won’t stay the same, forever.
10. I am beautiful inside and out. I am not broken. I am strong.
I am still learning to ride the wave of life. But, I am surrounded with love and hope with this support. I have eventually found peace with the past.