Over the past two weeks, I have been trying to ‘live in the moment’ rather than worrying about things that are out of my control. To be honest, it is challenge, every time the phone rings my heart begins to race and I have to take a deep breath. I am living on the edge at the moment, just waiting to hear some news whether it is good or bad at lease it is something.
One thing that I learnt over the past year is that ‘life continues with or without you’. I have a choose whether to let the past define the rest of my life or to try to make the most out of every single day. Life is full of uncertain and pain. I have a chose whether to ‘live’ or ‘remain’.
Eventually, after many years struggling. I have come to the conclusion that in the end, I am responsible for my own happiness, I am in control of the future and I need to take ownership over my recovery. With or without treatment. I need to get better for ‘myself’ rather than for everyone.
This isn’t easy, it is rollercoaster of emotions but I have to find some strength to continue this journey to recovery. One major ‘breakthrough’ personal, is that I am talking openly with my family about how I feel and I am able to talk about the things I fear and this has been eye opener because indirectly my family feel the same way about life and how thing are at present. To know that I am not alone in my thoughts and with my fears. It is part of being human which I haven’t felt like for years.
When other humans do inhuman things to you. You begin to question humanity itself, you notice societies injustices more and you wish to be alone because if your alone no other human could hurt you. This is a protective coping mechanism. When you fear for you life, you rationally thinking goes complete out of the window. You live to remain, to survive and your world around you get’s smaller and smaller. Until, you become the trauma and everything else fades into insignificant.
I found that I have to accept myself. I have to accept that this is my ‘new normal’ at present. Things will change and improve but I have to be the main person to drive things forward into a bright future.
When I feel like giving up and feel that I am not enough. I just have to continue to climb back up!