I have quietly been struggling over the past couple of weeks, feeling completely lost and empty . Walking miles everyday to calm my mind and slow the pace of my thoughts. Neither of these things have been helped my heart, feel less heavy but I continue to keep a routine to my day, so that I can keep my flashbacks at bay. I am terrified that if I have a flashback, I will completely disregualate and then the emotional, physical, mental torment begins all over again for me and my family.
Over the past week, I have been struggling with my food intake, not eating enough for the amount of walking I am doing everyday.I am averaging (ten miles a day) which is nothing to be proud of. Whatever the weather I will walk. At the moment, it is the only time when my mind is at peace, not troubled with the past or the uncertain future. I can walk my thoughts and fear alway for a short time and then undoubtedly the meormies will return. Until I do another walk.
I am running low of energy, hope and belief that thinks will change. My body is tried and I know that very quickly I can’t become unwell (physically) but I am doing my best to stay well and eat/drink plenty. I am resting in between my walks and making sure I am hydrated properly.
My eating issues have never properly been resolved. Everything is linked to the trauma (PTSD). There are so many ‘triggers’ that stop me eating, certain times of the days, the sort of food I am eating and colours of the food. I am still a healthy weight and I am going to try my upmost to maintain my weight.
All I want is a life,
I want to be free for all of this.
I want to be happy,
These are the reason I continue to fight everyday and hold on to the last specks of hope that surround me. These lyrics resononate alot with me at the moment:
“I don’t know, I don’t know
Why it feels like I’m screaming, but can’t be heard
I don’t know, I don’t know
What is left to believe in
If there is never a word from you or a sign
That there is truth inside these lies
So show me the way
Cause I, I’m falling over the edge with you
You’re falling over the edge with me
Boyce Avenue – ‘Hear Me Now’
I have got to keep smile and hold my head. I then will know that everything will be alright.