Somedays I sit and feel as through I am fading into the background. I have lost all sense of reality, this terrifies me. I feel as through I am disappearing, day by day aspects of my body and mind are vapouring into thin air. I cannot stop this process. I cannot breathe fresh air into my body to awaken the dormant emotions that are trapped in the past, slowly taking my mind with them. I am tried of fighting with the past and present. It is draining the energy out of my battled body. There is only so many ‘knock downs’ a person can take before they lose hope in society completely. Then life becomes a daily battle to ‘just be’ in myself.
Since June last year my family and I have been battling which my local NHS to get specialist trauma treatment for me. It is now, 7th April 2016 and still I am waiting for a decisions to be made. Whilst everyone acknowledges that I need this treatment, there seems to be no understanding of where I am at the moment. There is a danger, once again that I could potentially not be well enough by the time they make their decision.
The NHS/CCG forget’s that I am really person, not a statistic on a piece of paper. Not everyone is the same when it comes to treating PTSD. The NHS/CCG need to be more flexible and have an awareness that they are not every one ‘fits’ into a 12 week programme. Whilst everyone fights over money and argue amongst themselves.
I am fading and even with ‘multiple’ complains and constant emails from my parents, making the NHS/CCG aware of the current situation. There is still no movement or action.
I am losing hope that I will ever recover. Somedays I feel as through I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cannot keep carrying this weight on my fragile body. After ten years, I have reached my ‘breaking point’. All I need is a hand to pull me out of the background and into the present.