I am struggling to understand this cruel and painful world. There is no justice and no help. I am lost. I am broken. I have weathered so many storm over the last ten years but I am eventually got to the end of this journey.
I have forgotten how it feels to be joyful, happy and hopeful. Everything has changed and I cannot communicate my fears, worries, hurt because I feel hollow and empty. At the moment, I am walking miles a day just to kept the demons at bay. My mind feels disconnected and dysregulated. I am doing everything I physical and mental can to continue and to stay well but it is not working. I am running out of options. I am scared. I haven’t every felt this bad.
I wish that I could go back and retrace every mistake, every event that happened but I can’t. Everyone is trying to support me, but I am so upset and distressed that their help is superficial and pointless. I wish they would focus on their own lives and no mine. They can’t help anymore. There is to much pain, anger, resentment at present. I know they have my best interested at heart but I just can’t look at them. I can’t let go, I can’t forget. I am grateful for everything they have done for me but I need space from them. I need to be myself, instead of putting on a ‘brave face’ for them all.
I also feel a lot of grief at the moment. This is normal when someone experiences trauma. I have never felt this ‘lost’ before. The best way to describe the ‘grief’ is that I am lost myself ten years ago and only now feel as through I am missing part of me, that will never come back. I look back at old photos and I just disappear into the photo. After the first attack I lost more than, I ever knew at the time. As it continued, I become a ghost that has never rested and found peace. There is a constant quote that goes around in my head it is ‘Where are you now that I need you’. This is how I have felt my whole life.
Even when I asked from help, you weren’t there.
I need space to find myself and just sit by the ocean, breathe the feel air, clear my mind and find the lighter skies.
I know you have done you best, I need to repair on my own away from the noise and confusion of this world. I have lost faith in everything. I need time to heal on my own there are two many broken bones left along this road. One day thing will be ok, again.