In between the echoes of the past, there are voices waiting to be heard, to be listened too. The past doesn’t stay silent forever. We all have a voice and even through I am still struggling to find my own. I hope one day, I will have the courage and the inner strength to voice my demons.
This past month has been tremendously challenging. I am trying to cope with the uncertainty of daily life and this is draining the energy out of my body. My mind is running fast and furious on this ‘mental treadmill’. I am struggling to pace my thoughts, feelings and emotions. My body is struggling to keep up with my mind and there seems no end to the pain.
It feels as through my life is two halves. One half is pure, clean and free and the other half is covered in paint, marking my imperfections, highlighting my scars and continue to get lost in the past. I am fearfully that I will never feel whole again. I become fearful when my chest tightens, my heart races, my throat begins to freeze, I then struggle to swallowed and my body feels encompassed in the trauma, once again.
I am fighting to stay grounded in the here and now. Acknowledging the smallest things and in the world outside of my mind. Noticed the clouds float in the sky, feeling the sun warm my body and hearing the sounds of normal life. I am terrified of dissociating and my mind loosing its sense of reality but I am doing all I can to stay present.
If I do become unwell it is not due to my lack of trying to cope and manage. I know it is my brain protecting me from the past and the unprocessed memories . Until I am ready to deal with them again. We all fall occasionally in life but it is how we pick ourselves back up that makes us stronger.
I have found some peace in this chaotic time. Every day rolling out my yoga mat whether it is only for five minutes or an hour. I am able to sit and feel grounded in that moment. As I place my head gently on my yoga mat my worries, fears and anxiety disappear into the air above. I don’t feel trapped in my body, I feel free.
One day, hopeful in the future these moments of calm won’t only last second or minutes but days. I have to hold on. I know that this day will come, hopeful soon.
‘Reach for the moon, if you miss you will land amongst the stars.’