My tired eyes are beginning to rewaken and engage with the world around. The silence still lingers in the background but I can hear the sound of life filtering into my body once again, awakening my senses.
I have found this past week to be physical draining and mental exhausting. Last week, I had to travel for two assessment to be completed for my funding for specialist trauma treatment. There are currently in the UK ,only two places that offer this support. There is no guarantee that I will get funding and if I am being realistic, I do not think that it will happen but I have to wait and see.
For me, assessment can be very triggering and stressful experience. Even the thought of visiting a hospital can be upsetting. I have had a very mixed experience from the NHS and Private service, neither really understand the complexity of trauma and sometimes there behaviour has been very detrimental on my mental health but I truly believe that it is not from not caring, it is from the lack of knowledge and understanding of the conditions. But, saying that I have meet top professionals who are specialist in trauma and their approach to my situation was totally wrong.
Last week, I went with an open mind about the assessments. It was a long day for my family and I. Earlier starts and a small glimmer of hope shown to us that I can recover from my trauma but at the end of the day it is in the hands of the funding panel. Realistically, I could never afford to stay in these places, neither could me parents afford to help. So, the waiting game begins.
The stress from the assessments has contributed to my Trichotillomania which has been present in my life for about the last year and a half but I have been able to manage the need to pull out my hair but these week I have lost majority of my hair at the front of my head. At the moment, I am wearing beanie hats when I go outside, luckily it is still cold outside so I don’t look out of place. In the grand scheme of things, my hair isn’t that important but I feel if I took off my hat the ‘world would judge me’. My biggest fear is losing all of my hair this month due to the stressful factor in my life. When I am pulling out my hair, I honest don’t know that I am doing it, until there is a layer of hair on my desk or pillow. It is like I have magnets in my hands that are drawn to my head.
Since the beginning of the year, my life has felt like a maze sometimes I can find my way through and other time I just keep going round in circles but there will be an exit soon.