The lighter skies are coming, the clouds are slowly evaporating into the air, the wind is calm, the sun is warm on my face, I feel whole. When I am not polluted with the dark for the past, trying to suffocating the purified air that is trying to break into my atmosphere. There are days when I wish the sky would empty all of the rain on to me, to wash away the darkness. It doesn’t help, it doesn’t erase it.
I remember saying to my mum, ‘Just remove half of my brain, remove the trauma from my mind’. I know this would not make the trauma go away or make my ‘brain’ well again. It would just leave me is a worse place physically and mentally, than where I am now. But, this is one of the crazy things about trauma, it makes me feel not human and inadequate that I cannot fix myself.
However, hard I try my body and mind just won’t step out of this ‘fight or flight’ stage. Constantly in a state of fear, panic and getting ready to run away from any danger that is coming. This is one thing that I was unable to do, when the abuse was happening. I could not run away, I could not break free. I just ‘froze’ cold like a statue. My legs where heavy and I could barely lift them off the ground, my heart was racing, pumping as through I would stop from the fear of what was to come and my mind saying run, whilst holding back the tears that began to pour down my cheek.
I can still notice ever single teardrop that fell in slow-motion on to the carpet below. After, severely of the attacks, I just blanked out, a haze covered my eyes like a protective blanket. I was still aware of everything that was happening and what they where doing to me. But, there was a ‘silence’ that filtered into my mind to protect me for the horrible and barbaric abuse they did.
Sub consciously my young mind was trying to store away ever happy memory before the attacks. To lock it away, to shield it from the darkness and keep it in the light. Until, I was strong enough to face the past and to be well enough to see a future.
During the attacks I remember seeing pictures of my family, flickering in my head, holding on to the happiness and memories, so that I would not disappear into the darkness. They where with me then and our still with me now.
These memories haunt me on a daily basis but I try to embrace everyday and slowly the light is shining through the darkness. I see a future and ready to let go of the past. It is time to turn the page and begin a new chapter in my life.