Over the last week, I have been feeling very low. I have no energy to get up in the morning and complete the normal daily routine at home. I feel as if I mental have to drag myself out off bed. Even if I open my curtains and let the sun shine float in , still nothing can awake the dim light bulb in me. I feel numb in my self, a disconnection has happen and the fight begins again.
My trauma has reawaken itself once again. It never goes away, the trauma lays dominate for a few days, months or weeks and then like a volcano it explodes and the hot, vibrant red and yellow lava begin to cascade down the mountain. This is how my trauma is impacting my at the moment. The clouds of volcanic ash stops me from communicating and voicing my anxiety, fear and painful emotions, they stay rumbling in my mind waiting to find a voice and this isolation world of unpredictability.
I know that this particular week is very trauma for me. There are many memorable dates over the course of these two months. I just look at the calendar and the tears flood into my eyes. There are certain days that seem to jump out of the page , magnified in my memory. I fear the first to months of the year. I don’t always remember a specific attack just that it happened. It is harder to deal with the trauma when a large majority of it I haven’t full process yet. I have found that this is more upsetting than remembering in full the attacks. It has stayed silent in my mind for years and I am now determine to leave it in the past but I am also away that I need to talk through these memories and heal within myself before this can happen.
I still can’t comprehend how another human can hurt someone so badly and in such a degrading way. This still plays on my mind a lot . The question of why?
My wish is that the trauma would go, disappear into the air above and float into the sky like a collection of balloons that have been let go in the sky above. The balloons are allowed to drift into any directions, where there is no limit to how height they can go or no boundaries blocking there way up to the sky.
I am using this description so that people who read my blog, have a totally understand how debilitating the trauma can be and the life long consequences of those three individual actions, that cannot be retracted, changed or taken back. They are like footprints marked on my skin unable to wash of the mud and marks, a permeant reminding of the abuse that happened.
As the years have past, I have built up a resilient, to the turmoil that is in my mind. I fight daily to beating my demons, facing the fear head on and having a positive outlook on life. Everyday is a new start, a time to declutter my mind from yesterday and refocus it on the here and not.
I know that the trauma will always be part of me but it doesn’t have to rule my life. I have come to accept that this is the highs and lows of recovery. It is not easy but defiantly something to keep fighting for.
The journey continues , let see where we land.