Those six months have changed my life in more ways than I can express, for good and bad. It is difficult for me to express my feelings regarding the abuse that happened when I was thirteen. At the time going through early adolescence and trying to figure everything out for myself. When someone or something hurts you at that key stage of growing up, the impact of certain people’s actions can change how I saw the world. Still now, wary of the people, places and learning to trust in humanity and myself once again.
There are two sides to my trauma. One side is to do with the degrading abuse that I endured and the other side is finding the really me, what I want to achieve and be. Sometimes we have to separate the things that normally would be together. I am then able to see things more clearly.
I got lost in trauma for many years and I lost myself, not knowing who I was or who I could be. I was daily battling my demons on my own, trapped in the past, scared and frightened of each day. To be honest I would dread waking up in the morning because that is when the flashbacks would happen and the torment in my mind would continue. I just didn’t want to continue to battle these memories. I could see what it was doing to my family and the pain that it caused to them. I just couldn’t see an end or a way out.
But slowly, I began to find an inner strength that I never knew that I had. I decided not to fear the world outside, I learnt to breathe in the fresh air and to challenge my perception of the world and the people in it.
I am still challenging myself on a daily basis to conquer my fears, to dream towards a future and to finally leave those six months behind me for good.
I am not defined by my abuse, my past, my mistakes. I can’t change these things but I can change who I want to be and how I choose to move forward into a future with hope, love and support around me.
I am more than my trauma.
I have a right to be in this world.
These two sentence I never through I would write but I have. This gives me hope and a belief that I one day I will be able to live, life to the full.
Today, I am taking my first step towards the future.