The winter months are passing by, the shortest day has gone and the time keeps flying by. Before we realise it, it will be spring again, maybe this is wishful thinking but I find that as a new year approaches there is a positive momentum that is in the air. It may only be a small particle of hope but I sense that the winds are changing for the better.
Over the Christmas period, I have been reflecting back on last year when things were a lot different to how they are now. Firstly, I was at home with my family and not in hospital.
Secondly, I am healthier and mentally stronger. This is down to both my parents for not giving up on me and believing that I will get better.
Thirdly, the love, care and support that I have received from everyone who knows me and too every single person that has read my blogs.
Christmas this year was a very joyful and a healing time for me. I didn’t feel triggered by past memories. I was able to be present and be part of family life for the first time in years. I didn’t feel disconnected or anxious, just whole as a person. I never thought I would feel like this.
I also felt at peace with my demons which I thought would not be possible at one time and a calmness has embraced me like a warm blanket.
I have been searching for this sense of being for years and finally I have found it. I am realistic that there will be difficult times ahead but I can honestly say that I have hope in my heart and determination to live.
On Christmas Day my dad, brother and I went to the beach with the dog and walked for miles between the squalls of rain. The wind was up, blowing the sand into beautiful patterns of light and dark sand hovering above the ground.
We ran for miles occasionally kicking the football with our dog bounding along beside us. Then towards the end our dog just stayed close to our heels as if to say ‘ I am tired, it time to go home’.
I haven’t felt so young and free for years. I had a spring in my step, my feet bouncing on the sand below. A happiness filled into my body and soul, detoxing my body of the troubles of the past.
I have proven to myself that time heals, it does not erase the scars of the past but ever so slowly it is repairing the broken strings that were disconnected years ago. I have now found my way home.