At the moment I am trying to fix the unfixable. A lot of my time and energy is invested mending the impossible aspects of my life. I feel alone living in my mind, with the constant pace of my thoughts, it has become emotionally draining. Questioning my identity, worth and existence. These thought processes are a negative pattern that are counterproductive and leave me feeling a ‘hollow being’ in a complicated world that I am no closer to understanding.
Throughout these last two months I have found it increasingly challenging and I think this has been reflected in my previous blogs. I am not embarrassed or ashamed about my faults and imperfections because in my eyes it is all about growing, developing into the person I want to be. By being honest with myself and then sharing it on my blog has been very cathartic. It has become a release for my thoughts and feeling. I am still amazed that people read my blogs.
Instead of living in my head, I am able to voice my feeling, emotions, fears and hopes that at one time would have stayed circulating in my body, unable to break to free and in turn would have stayed within me, dysregulating my mind and body.
Looking back over the past year and realising how much has changed, not just for me but for the close friends I made, when we were all in a vulnerable and relentless place of difficultly. Not knowing what the next day would bring and all of us struggling with our own demons. I still remember the concern, support, care and advise that these friends gave to me a year ago and have given to me throughout the year.
We have all stumbled along the way but against all adversity, we are all still here, stronger than ever. We all come from different worlds, we all have different problems but the one thing that united us is hope and an understanding that we are all imperfect. An addiction, a mental health problem doesn’t just effect one type of person or group. It doesn’t distinguish between race and religion, male or female, young or old. It can happen to anyone, at any time.
Most of my friends have seen me at my worse and also at my best. They have also continued to support me when most people would have walked away. They have celebrated my successes and my milestones with an open heart.
At times, I use to think I was alone and trapped in a virtual cage that was holding me back. I use to think that if my life was a drawn out for everyone to see. It would be easier to erase me from the drawing and change the picture itself but instead my friend s and family chose to ‘colour me free’.
Sometimes in life, two worlds collide and no one knows why but there is a reason. Unknown to us, these people that come into our lives and through a small act of kindness and belief in that one individual, gives them a reason to live, a glimmer of hope in an uncertain time and restores a belief in the world.
Then I begin to realise that everything doesn’t stay broken forever. It is fixable.