For a long time I was battling with myself every second of everyday, trying to find a reason to stay. Constantly questioning my ‘worth’ and whether I deserved a life. These are questions that I never thought would even come into the circumference of my mind. But they have ….
Over the last month life in general has been very challenging and incredible tiring for my mind and body. I have been battling my demons head on, trying to calm the stormy waters that have surrounded me. Trying to find a glimpse of blue sky amongst the clouds. I am questioning every decision that I have ever made, constantly worrying about my mistakes in the past and the weight of guilt that I carry around feels as though I am drowning in cold water. This can be a very lonely and isolating place to be in my mind.
In moments when the weight becomes unbearable and the emotional roller-coaster reaches its limit. I just begin to cry. The tears stream down my red cheeks, my eyes feel like a waterfall, my mind feels empty, and my heart has forgotten how to love. I feel a ghost, isolated in a world of trauma, fighting to be free, wishing for the turmoil to end soon.
Over the past week, I have started to realise that maybe I don’t want heaven. I have a life to live. Maybe half the battle is believing in myself and only looking forward instead of back but I know that all of my family struggle with this. I have come to realise that if I can’t accept myself here on earth with all of my scars and faults, why would heaven take me?
I want to live
I am going to continue to live
I will be happy
I will be free