Some days I feel incomplete as a person, so unpolished, so imperfect. The shadows of the past seems to filter into the present. There is no protection from the ghosts that are gliding between the walls, no box to lock the memories away, no magic spell to turn the past into particles of air, floating away, erasing them until another day.
I am still breathing in slowly trying to calm my panic stricken mind. As I run my hand over the scars that our craved into my skin. The memories pour back within. Every touch from another human scares my trauma riddled body into ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ mode. Every hug from my family, every touch, holds a memory within itself. My mind and body have no differentiation between love and hurt, care and pain. Theses emotions are entwined into one. My rational mind knows the difference but my scared mind doesn’t!
My scared mind seems to have encased my whole sense of being, however much I fight it, it still lingers. Every autumn and winter it reawakens. I would have thought that after ten years my mind would be fixed, my body healed inside and out but this isn’t the case. This makes me incredible sad and feel incomplete.
My mind is remembering more of the past, more detail about the two girls that attacked me. They covered their backs so well. The way the attacks were carried out and finished were done with such precision, so that there was no trace left.
Just me with a damaged mind and a broken soul. I disbelieve that my ‘dorm mates’ and other girls in the house didn’t notice, see or hear anything. It is my word against theirs. Everything that happened at that school, stayed in the school. No one wants to help, just locked doors and dead ends. This is a recurring cycle of events.
The truth always comes out in the end.
At the moment I am trying to find meaning in my life, past and present. I will never get the answers that I am looking or searching for. Instead of allowing the past to define me or consume me. I have to let go of the unanswered questions that plague my mind on a daily bases. I personally don’t believe I will ever find acceptance about what happened to me. No normal person can understand or rationalise the disturbed and discussing minds of my attackers.
But the one thing that I do have, is the power to choose how and where my life goes now. I can’t change or take away the pain of the past but I can find a way to turn my experience into a positive.
I am grateful for life, my family and the love, support that is shown to me daily. The strength and joy of others is keeping me going through the difficult times. The new and happy memories that are being created through these challenging months makes me feel together and complete even with all my imperfection.