As the days pass, the nights get darker and the days get shorter. My mind knots itself in the trauma once again, battering my inner child and body. I am so saddened that my flashbacks have come back with such force, such determination to cause panic in my body. It feels as though dark times are coming again and the storm clouds are building around me, waiting to release the cold crystalized raindrops of fear, anxiety and pain once again.
But, I put on my raincoat, open my umbrella ready to fight the storm, ready to weather the elements again. I have experienced the trauma for years, this year is no different. The only factor is that has changed is that I am stronger, to stand up to the storm, more knowledgeable to understand the unpredictability of the storm and the understanding how to protect myself as much as possible from what comes next.
This morning I am bruised, battered and aching from my flashbacks last night but I try and wake up with a plan for the day, a programme to calm my central nervous system (Yoga and Meditation) and a belief that yesterday is in the past, today is a new day and that one day I will be free from the trauma. I just hope this day comes soon.
I feel tired and worn from these last ten years. I honestly don’t know how my body and mind are still going … but they are. I am more aware than ever before about the signs, when my world seems to start to unravel again. This has happened last year and in the summer, with this awareness and insight, I am able to say that to myself ‘I have overcome this before and become stronger’. I hold on to this saying when everything seems out of control and lost in the darkness.
Something else that keeps me going is the love and support of my family. Even though some days I am distance and emotionally numb, I still feel your love, hope and your embrace that holds me like a warm blanket on a cold day. My family have experienced the ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ with me, every step of the way. The only way I can describe it, is that it is like being on the longest, most terrifying roller coaster of your life but you can’t get off. This is what makes it hard and painful for all of us. There is no stop or start, just continuous, round and round, we go until the electricity stops but over the last ten years there has been times when it has slowed down but also times when the speed will increase until we become completely unaware of are surroundings and friends.
Still throughout all of this, we are still together. We have lost certain milestones in all of our lives but “we can’t choose where we come from but we can choose where we go from there. I know it’s not all the answers but it was enough to start putting these pieces together”