Over the last couple of weeks, it has felt as though the ground beneath me was shaking, cracking and moving uncontrollably. Shaking me from within, scaring me to the core and making me want to run away from the torment in my mind.
Even though the pain, the memories are there, the flashbacks are more present and the anxiety is constantly moving around my body, like electric pulsing through my bones making me quake from head to toe.
I feel strong and more robust. I am taking it minute, by minute and using all of my strength and knowledge that I have gained over the years. As in many of my blogs I have mentioned the power of yoga. I have realised that in the moment when I feel pain or fearful, I roll out my yoga mat and begin my practice.
For me, I feel connected to the ground beneath me, I feel my body lengthen and release the stress from the day, I feel my chest rise and fall in a calm and peaceful way, removing all of the negative energy inside me and finally my mind rests and slows my thoughts down.
When I practise yoga I feel as though there is a ‘protective blanket’ that surrounds my physical and spiritual self, where no darkness can enter, just colour, light and healing.
I feel protected in this moment, it holds me through the day and protects me from the demons, the shadows and the past that wants to reawaken the sleeping lions within me.
As I sit and clear my mind, I imagine a place of stillness and peace. This moment is when I did a skydive in New Zealand from 12,000ft. I have got to admit that I am terrified of heights and planes but I took a deep breath and trusted the people around me.
As the plane ascended into the clear blue sky, the butterflies in my stomach were jumping up and down. As the plane reached 12,000 ft., the instructor and I slid towards the door, my feet were dangling out of the plane, feeling the cold air float through my trainers, then on the count of eight we began to rock and then tumbled out of the plane, my eyes were closed with fear but as soon as we began to freefall for (60 seconds) my mind calmed, the fear disappeared and the peace filtered into my body.
It was told to me before I did my skydive that from the height we were jumping from, it is believed that the Maori spirits are up there protecting you, this gave me some comfort and faith. ‘Sometimes we all have to believe in something higher that ourselves’.
As the parachute released and we were flung up into the sky, hovering over the green grass below. As we came into land, I could see to the Pacific Ocean and Mt Ruapehu – it was absolutely beautiful and a memory that I will never forget!
As I sit and ground myself back into the present moment, feeling the weight of my body on the ground and my lungs expanding with every breath. I release that I am safe and loved. The skydive holds particular memories of peace, tranquillity and trust in others. These are three things that I need to hold onto now. To calm my body, mind, soul and to allow my child within to heal.
As I open my eyes and finish my yoga practice, I remember the cold air that surrounded me as I free fall during my skydive but I felt the spirit’s embrace me and hold me through the fear. So as I roll up my mat, I don’t feel so alone in this moment.