Thinking about the past makes it more confusing to look forward. The past seems never far away, it backs off for few days and then spins straight at me with hurricane winds trying to unsettle the ground beneath me that has become a place of peace for a few moments in the day, where I don’t feel the weight of the past on my shoulders, where my mind is clear as the sky without the traumatic memories flying around in my mind.
The memories are disjointed, the clips of pain they don’t seem to fade just waiting to haunt me once again. Encased in my mind, these memories, the sounds, the smell, the fear is still so real, so present even through it is not happening now, my mind won’t rest, won’t disconnect itself from the past. The memories stay rattling in my brain waiting to break free.
My mind feels like a prison, a place where there is no key to open the door, no sunshine to shine on my face as I awake to another day, no warmth on a cold night and there is no one to hold me when I fall.
I wish that someone would hold me, tell me that everything thing will be ok. I know, I have family and friends supporting and embracing me but no one can see my memories, my mind, the pain, the trauma. They have an idea but there is no video tape in their head, on repeat, constantly recycling the pain through my mind, body and soul. I feel the trauma inside my body again. I feel frightened, alone. I don’t want to disappear into the past again, I don’t want to become invisible or become a hollow shell that is so disconnected from the present.
I am constantly moving forward, looking to the future ….. Then the shadows follow me and the cycle of fear beings again.
All I want is to leave the trauma, the abuse behind but once again I am left to struggle alone with no support from my local NHS, no therapy. Every time I go to seek support, there are time limits placed on me if I have a flashback.
At the moment, I am struggling to understand the logic of people. I have PTSD, I have flashbacks; you don’t have a flashback if you haven’t experience trauma. When I have a flashback I re-experience the abuse, the horrified, degrade attacks that happened to me when I was a boarding school. I have no awareness of the world around me, just lost in the past. This seem to be a ‘problem’ for 98% of the therapist and consultants I meet!
All I want is help! And no one will help me!
There is no quick fix, there is no magic pill to take this all away. I need time, help and patience. I am very lucky that my parents are so supportive and caring but over the last ten years my illness has taken a toll on their relationship and their lives. We all need a break from this.
Trauma doesn’t just effect the individual, it effects the whole family. Taking every person’s identity and changes the family dynamics. The perpetrators that hurt me have no idea about the ramifications off their actions. The pain that they have caused to so many lives, not just mine.
Even when the mornings are foggy and sunshine bursts through only for a few hours in the afternoon. I manage to find some comfort, some peace throughout the day. I have started to run again, not far but it gives me motivation to get up, three times a week, put my trainers on and leave my worries behind me.
I have just got to regroup my thoughts, calm my mind, steady my breathing, believe that I can get better and hope for a brighter future.