From the writing on the wall, the scattered paper running along the pavement, the unfinished crossword left on a train waiting to be finished. In a small way these illustrate the unspoken words, the messages that we don’t notice and the small voices that are trying to be heard. Not wishing to draw attention, not wishing to be seen, struggling to find the words to express themselves. Lost in a world of silence, this is how I feel…
There feels so much pain left to heal within me. I don’t mean physical pain but the emotional pain that lingers, hiding in the background, bubbling until the tears begin to pour down my cheeks. It is healthy to cry, it is normal but for me it is a realisation that there is more to let go than I originally thought. There are more doors that I need to close before I continue with the rest of my life.
As a child there was so much innocence within my soul, so many dreams…. they haven’t gone, I have just have had to re -shift a few of them. I am older but maybe not wiser. I still have hope, nobody can take that away. I believe that is the core to overcoming any obstacle in my own life. It might have lessened over the years but it is there waiting to be found, it just takes time.
My life feels scattered and disjointed at the moment, there are so many questions unanswered, there is so much trust I am giving to others, I feel very vulnerable, very exposed. The only way to describe the feeling, is that it is like I am standing on a mountain and the wind, the rain is battering my body, my skin, trying to see if I will give in. I don’t … but it is tiring and emotionally draining. I have got to rest, recuperate and look after myself. This has taken me years to learn!
Through these uncertain times, I am learning to let things go over my head and have a sense of humour, even if my humour is a little bit abstract. Also I am able to laugh at my mistakes which has been an essential part of my recovery to date. I am able to make a horrible situation or time seem positive. A moment of joy in a dark time, a song that makes you dance around the kitchen these are small moments but ones I have to hold on to.
A single smile or a moment of laughter make the days get easier and gives me hope that with time things will get better.