Some days life feels out of control, it feels as though we are sailing the ocean, the storm clouds are approaching, the waves are gathering height and sea is becoming rough. I can’t control the boat, I can’t redirect it and all I can do is wait for the storm to pass. At the moment this is how I feel in myself. All I want is the wind to carry me to calmer waters but I know that to reach that point, sometimes we have to sail through the uncertain and unpredictable water to get there.
I never through my life would be like this….
Waking up every day and living with my trauma is the most painful and horrendous way to live. I remember every aspect of the abuse, every touch, every second and every breath. It goes around in my mind continuously, I distract myself as much as possible but I cannot do this forever. It makes my body feel drained of energy as though the abuse is still happening but I continue to face it head on and confront my fears.
As the wind feels as if it is changing direction helping me steer away from the storm, it suddenly changes once again and the battle with the ocean continues. For me, I can manage the normal rigmarole of life but it is when the trauma feels as if it is slowly getting closer and closer like a shark stalking it’s prey, waiting to attack once again and this frightens me beyond belief.
I know that the abuse happened years ago but the long lasting effect that it has done to me is irreversible but as I have said to many people – ‘I don’t think I would be that person I am today if the events hadn’t happen’ that may sound very strange but I believe through the hard times in our lives it does show are true colours and resilience we all have inside us. It is like an invisible strength that is untouchable and only comes to the surface when we need it the most.
I know that I have made it through the worse, even though there may be storms ahead. I feel a sense of calmness within me. The trauma isn’t my identity, it isn’t my future!
As I continue to sail the ocean, the water begins to change colour from a dark blue to a tropical turquoise. I know now that I am sailing in to calmer waters. I feel hopeful and free as I should always have been.