Sometimes through the difficult parts of life we can lose ourselves in the sounds of the world, we become invisible even though we are still present. As time goes by I thought things would get easier believing I would be able to filter the noises, the sounds that surround me and change how I hear and see the world wishing it could have been so different. Then I realise the noise is still constantly drumming in my head, the stillness that hovers sometimes is not calm. It is a fearful panic – there seems to be no rest.
There are noises everywhere but we only choose what we want to hear and sometimes we need the noise to break us free from the silence. To be able to hear the quiet times, just sit and be. For me the noise that has been echoing in my head, rattling around waiting to burst free, waiting to be processed, waiting for the past to disappear. I have been searching for that peace for nearly ten years, trying to find some silence.
I have been living in fear of everything, the individuals that hurt me and what they are capable of. The truth is always kept in the background it’s like you can’t speak, you can’t be open with the world because you’re scared of what people will do and no one should live like this, no one should be fearful but I am.
The trauma will always be there but I want to let it go. I don’t want to carry it anymore. All I want is to leave it in the past. It should never have happened but it has. I cannot change that fact so I have two options I can keep running from the past, the demons, and the memories or get up in the morning and breathe.
I feel grateful for life.
The trauma will always be part of me, will never go away it would always be in me in some part of my life but I have control now. I’m not embarrassed about what happened any more, I’m not ashamed. I have days when it’s difficult, when I question why it happened but I think that is a normal reaction to this. I don’t think there is an ideal way of recovery, I know it is a slow process.
As the autumn days begin, the nights get shorter and the leaves fall, my mind struggles to deal with the memories, I tell myself that it is just another year and I am safe. I am not going to fear the nights, the time or the months that follow. Just because the attacks happened over this period of time, it doesn’t mean that anything bad will happen. I just have to change how I approach the months ahead. Time seems to fly by. It is not always good to look back but to be aware of the change that has occurred and acknowledge the progress, however small.