August draws to an end and September begins, I start to reflect back over the past month, learning to manage the noise and confusion of the world. I have felt a constant trap of emotion that fizz’s away in the middle of my chest, storing the emotions, feelings and thoughts that trouble me.
The best way to describe it is like a bottle of lemonade that has been shaken, the bubbles rise to the top, you slowly release the lid, the surge of pressure bursts to the top, breaking free, then before it has time to explode everywhere you quick close the lid and the bubbles settle. This is how it has been for me.
It is difficult for me to express the painful and degrading memories that stay in my mind this is a constant cycle. It has felt as if I could scream away everything and no one would hear me. This has been hard to deal with but the other day I let it go. I just sat and cried until I said everything that I had been holding on to, it was a release that I had dropped all of the weight I was carrying. My mum just sat and listened, no judgement.
Over the month the constant numbing of my feelings has been unbearable to sit with, constantly reacting in a calm thought out way but I realise that I was reacting to how everybody wanted me to react and not show normal emotions, so I was doing more harm than good. By just accepting everyone else’s decision and not addressing the problems, it made me feel empty and distant. I believe nobody should make you feel that you have to react in a certain way just to please them. I am not talking about bouncing off the walls or shouting at people that isn’t going to help the situation but as a person you should be allowed to express your thoughts in a calm way so that you feel listened to and part of the decision but sometimes this is not the case. I know that this has been a reoccurring theme in my recent blogs but I feel that it is important to express my feeling and thoughts in an open way.
Again, something that has been helpful is getting back into the routine of doing yoga daily. For me, to just be present, notice my body relax, the worries disappear into thin air, to sit and feel a stillness in my mind and the clarity that follows instead of the loud drumming noises in my head and the constant pressure in my body. Once I have done yoga the weight is lifted. It helps me ground and centralise my thoughts, I have a sense of being that I don’t normally feel without doing yoga. It is such a simple thing just to breathe but it works.
Today, I feel strong and together, I truly believe that through the difficult, uncertain times I am able to manage it incredible well. I have found that by looking back at the challenging times and working through the darkness, there is always the bright places to be found, we just have to search for them. By breathing and living in the moment it stops the constant cycle of worry, fear and thoughts of how things could have been. We are able to live rather that exist in the past.