Early this morning the heavens literally opened for a few hours. There were no breaks in between the rain, it was constant but the air was humid. I normally don’t take the dog out for a walk on my own or when it is raining. The weather can be very triggering for me, I associate it with the past instead of looking at the rain as a normal weather cycle, and I feared it but today was different.
I came downstairs, put the kettle on and in the corner of my eye, I noticed my dog silently staring at me from the other side of the kitchen. As the steam filtered up to ceiling, hearing the single click of the kettle, I looked out of the back door to see if the rain was going to pass through. I soon realised this wasn’t going to happen. So I put my trainers on, rain jacket and decided to brace the English weather.
As I walked behind the houses, continue on to the open field I notice the stillness, the rain drops bouncing off the muddy fields and the grey clouds whistling by. I would normally be afraid at this point continually looking back and checking a certain amount of times, just to try and reassure myself that there is nobody behind me and nothing will happen, but I didn’t feel this way, today.
For the first time today I felt calm, my head felt clear and the rain seemed to wash away any fears I had. I looked around and noticed the surrounding hills, the different shades of green that are scattered in every tree and the way the clouds float by, they seem weightless and free. As I walked around the corner there are tyres track from the tractor where the ruts fill up with water. My dog charges in and covers himself in the muddy water. At this point I remember when I was younger on a Sunday morning we would walk down to the park and feed the ducks. It was raining but that didn’t matter. The only thing that did bother me is that the ducks wouldn’t eat the bread, I just didn’t understand. I was very young only about two or three but my parents captured this moment. As I remember this memory it flickers through my mind and I returns to the present.
As I walked back home, I felt a sense of joy come over me. I felt like a child again, completely free. In that moment nothing else mattered. I realised that not every ‘happy form of emotion’ was taken from me, since the attacks. I used to think everything had turned black, poisoned every clean thing about me and made my body an empty shell. By breathing in the fresh air and allowing the rain to fall on my face, I realised for the first time that there is nothing to fear. It is just rain!
For many people this might seem such a small and easy thing to do but for me I have struggled to this. Every day I slowly move forward. I am now facing my fears and challenging my negative beliefs that I have of myself. For me, the simple and small moments in a day, encourage me to keep going and trust in the end everything will be alright.
To be able to smile, feel the joy and learn to walk in the rain, is the most rewarding and positive feeling. I feel infinite. This is what makes me strive forward and truly believe that I am not defined by my past, that there is no limit to what I can do, I just have to believe.