As I sit in the afternoon sunshine, I lie on my back looking at the sky watching the clouds. It reminds me that life continues; it never stops. The sky changes with the elements. In a way it’s how life is, through the highs and lows we are constantly growing, changing and adapting with the elements.
The movement of the clouds reminds me to not look down at the ground; start again to look around at the beauty that surrounds us. Sometimes it is difficult when the wind changes direction and we are pushed off course and have to rethink the path we take to get to the next place we want to go. Feeling trapped, isolated and with the anxiety that moves in my body constantly, making you want to run from the thoughts, the pain. But something makes you stay. I can’t exactly tell you what. Maybe deep inside me there is “fight to stay”; a fight that I know I can get better after all these years. I never seem to see how well I am doing. This is probably because I never want to trip myself up. I don’t want the attacks to define me but I am not sure what I should identify with in the future. I know that people don’t see me in this way, but I am constantly worried by my own shadow. This is connected to my trauma but is also how I have always been.
Life is not always black or white. There are pros and cons to every situation in life. I believe I do over think the process. Sometimes I just need to do what is right for me. But I am constantly going over the same question trying to find an answer. I think I just need to take a leap of faith and worry about the things that affect me today; not hold on to the problems of the past or future. Just see everyday as a fresh start. I struggle to do this.
I have decided to go and get a scrapbook to put in everything I want to do in my life. It doesn’t have to be anything special but something that makes me feel complete. One thing I love to do is sit on the beach, feel the sand between my toes, the taste of salt in the air with the sea breeze blowing the cobwebs away. To watch the sunset. For me this is healing naturally and in my own time. Also in my scrapbook I am going to put in pictures plus everything that I have achieved so far because over time we can forget these times. Subconsciously we can only see the trauma and how it has affected us. But as the clouds float over me I know; it reminds me to stay grounded and look forward even though I can see no light. As long as there is hope in your heart anything is possible.
As the clouds cross the sun’s path and block the sunlight out for a few minutes, the temperature drops ever so slightly. It reminds me that in some way that life is always moving and we don’t always sit in darkness. It’s by taking a leap of faith into the unknown ,that we start to realize where we need to go.